i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
