3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize
