Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
