matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
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