I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Randomize
