Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
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