I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
