On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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