Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
We are two peas in an std pod
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
Randomize
