TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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