I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
