i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
