I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
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