between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
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