I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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