Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
