i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Randomize
