Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
