I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
