Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
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One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
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