i think my tv is drunk
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Randomize
