A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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