i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
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