I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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