I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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