I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
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