capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
