I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
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