I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
i need to put some appletini on your dick
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
