Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
