If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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