In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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