The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
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