Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
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