She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
