That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
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