this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
