I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Randomize
