My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
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