a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
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