guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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