3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
