Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Randomize
