i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
