so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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