I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Randomize
