Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
