You smell like stripper and shame
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
he was CRYING into my vagina
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
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