halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Two words: nipple clamps
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