Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
Randomize
