I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Randomize
