when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
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