It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
