my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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