Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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