I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
my liver is dry heaving
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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