I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
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